Early & Alone #27: Back in the Saddle
Well, friends, it’s a new year, and I’m “back on the apps,” as they say. I’m not alone. Unsurprisingly, January is a popular time for people to sign up (or reactivate) online dating apps. The beginning of the new year is a time for new beginnings, for making plans, for dreaming big. It’s also cold af and having someone to cuddle up with on the couch sounds pretty damn nice this time of year.
Of course, those are wild generalizations and everyone has their own intensely personal reasons for being on the apps, myself included. (Sidenote: when did “being on the apps” or “doing the apps” become shorthand for “dating”? We live in a weird dystopia, friends.) After the slow-burn-that-never-got-boiling of dating someone for a while in the fall, I decided to take a break. Actually, I’d decided I wanted to step back from dating months earlier, but then I ended up messaging with Chris (slow-burn guy) and he was so nice so I decided to meet him for a date and that turned into, like, seven dates.
Anyway, my heart hadn’t been in it for a long time, and after reading No One Tells You This, I found myself actually kind of believing that I didn’t need a relationship in my life. Although technically I haven’t had a romantic relationship in my life for years, this was fairly radical for me. I feel like I’ve been living my life like a donut--my entire existence shaped around the hole in my life (listen, I know there are donuts without holes but just stay with me here--donut is a better analogy than bagel [or maybe I just like them more]). What if I defined my life by what I have rather than what I lack? Whoa. Mind blown.
So why am I back on the apps then? Honestly, I’m not quite sure myself. It’s winter, that season when I hate to leave my house, so leaving for dates with strangers I probably won’t like really doesn’t make sense. I just started a fairly intensive writing class and I’m trying to focus more on my writing in 2019 in general, so I need to make that a priority. Logically, it just doesn’t make sense to be dating right now. But, like the mermaid on the card I have taped up next to my desk says, “Shit doesn’t have to make sense.”
I don’t fully understand why I’m dating again except that it feels like I’ll always be searching for someone, and until I find that someone, I might as well be actively looking. Maybe I will take a step back sooner rather than later. Maybe I won’t even go on any dates (I already went on one and it was...something. In a nutshell: we ended up talking about feminism and gun control and let’s just say we fundamentally didn’t agree on either point.) or maybe I’ll go on a date every week this year. Who knows? I’m giving myself the space to figure it out and try not to overthink it and just do what feels right in the moment. Maybe that’s my dating resolution for 2019.
Are you “on the apps” for the new year? How is it going so far?
What I’m Reading: Do you guys know R. Eric Thomas? From the Internet? If you don’t, you should. He’s a humor writer for Elle.com and he’s HILARIOUS. Go read his columns and also subscribe to his TinyLetter, Here For It. “See you in court, Michael Mouse.”
What I’m Watching: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and The Good Place both came back this week with new episodes and that makes me happy. Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, go watch this two minute clip of pure joy. (I have watched it about 10 times in the past two days.)
What I’m Listening To: Nothing in particular to be honest, but I’ll tell you that the song in my head right now is “Higher Love” by Steve Winwood.
What I’m Wearing: Has anyone told you guys about layering? I went to buy a new winter coat a at REI a couple of months ago, and the salesperson blew my mind. I bought a relatively thin down coat which, she explained to me, is not great in wet conditions. So I layer my (also thin) rain jacket over it and it’s PERFECT. And instead of spending $300 on a huge puffy coat that made me feel like the Michelin Tire Man, I spent $100 on a slim and light coat! Recommend.
What I’m Eating: I’m trying to be more mindful about the amount of meat I’m consuming, especially at home, and I made this recipe last night for dinner and it was super easy and real tasty.