Early & Alone #31: Sending Out an S.O.S.
I just finished reading Meredith Goldstein’s memoir Can’t Help Myself: Lessons & Confessions from a Modern Advice Columnist. Meredith has been writing the “Love Letters” column in the Boston Globe for the last ten years. In the column, she dispenses concise, reasonable wisdom in response to common romance quandaries such as whether to date someone in the workplace, how to meet people, and what to do about infidelity. She also handles delicate issues such as dating with an illness, how to handle sex after trauma, and coping with grief. Her memoir includes excerpts from the column, complete with comments from the robust commenting community, as well as situations from her personal life.
Interestingly, Meredith doesn’t have a background in psychology or counseling, and she’s single. She’s never even tried online dating. So what makes her qualified to give advice about love and relationships? She tackles this question in her memoir, explaining that historically, many advice columnists got their start as writers, not therapists. (See Dear Sugar, Ask Polly, Ann Landers, etc.) As for the online dating, she (wisely) wants to preserve her privacy. And being single? It’s not for lack of trying. I’d argue that a single advice columnist has just as valid and wise a perspective as a coupled one.
When I finished the book (it was a very quick and enjoyable read), I started thinking about advice in general, and dating advice specifically. There are all kinds of advice columns out there, covering everything from parenting to sex to social etiquette to the office. But I think it’s safe to say that the advice we seek the most is about relationships. Why is that? Why do we have so much trouble relating to one another?
I love advice columns, and the sheer number of them out there indicates that I’m not the only one. I think we love to read them (or listen to them) because it’s comforting to think that not only do other people have the same kinds of issues we have (and often have them far worse), but also there are people out there who can solve those issues with some words of advice.
But is there any such thing as a quick fix when it comes to relationships? Shortly after my divorce, I wrote a letter to “Ask Polly.” Months later, she answered it. It was the last column “Polly” (writer Heather Havrilesky) wrote before moving from The Awl (RIP) to New York Magazine’s The Cut. I’d written the letter when I was still steeped in grief, looking for answers to an impossible question: How was I to continue to live my life after being rejected by the only person I’d really loved?
Of course, Polly couldn’t answer that question. Instead, she used my situation as a “cautionary tale” for anyone thinking about getting involved with someone who was already involved with someone else. I hadn’t anticipated this, of course. No one wants to think of themselves as a cautionary tale. But I guess that’s what I was, in many ways. But perhaps more than answers, I was seeking some understanding, some indication that I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t wrong. Also, admittedly, I wanted Joe to read it, since we’d both read the column religiously back when we were together and I figured he probably still read it. So there was a glimmer of satisfaction in reading phrases such as “Getting dumped by this conspicuous consumer, this deeply afraid and deeply repugnant fuck, it’s a beautiful gift. Your ex-friend and coworker is the one who should feel cursed, not you. This guy was a mirage from the very beginning. He was a ghost.” and “You DID NOT fuck up by being you. You weren’t eminently rejectable and repugnant in those 14 months you were married. You were just a fucking person, and this guy doesn’t want a person, he wants the flicker of promise given off by that woman over there, or that one, or that one, or that one. They all seem so EXCITING by comparison to real people.” (Ok, maybe more than a glimmer.)
I guess what I’m saying is that I find it completely fascinating that when it boils down to it, advice columns, and really, any kind of advice, is about our desire to be validated and seen and listened to. We know, deep down, that no one can actually solve our problems by giving us advice. In fact, most of us know the advice we’re going to be given before we get it. It’s mostly common sense. It’s the airing of our grievances, the sharing of our problems that’s the real therapeutic part.
What I’m Reading: I’m on a writing retreat so I’m rereading Mrs. Dalloway, in hopes that it will spark some inspiration.
What I’m Watching: My roommate and I started watching Terrace House: Opening New Doors on Netflix last week and we’re totally hooked. It’s a Japanese reality show that is so earnest and lovely—highly recommend.
What I’m Listening To: This week, mostly just the waves, passing cars on the road, and rain on the roof, which has been really nice.
What I’m Wearing: This weekend I went to Target and instead of buying cute dresses or accessories, I was honest with myself and bought lounge pants, some oversized t-shirts, and pajamas, because the work-from-home wardrobe is just not the same as the commuting-to-the-office wardrobe.
What I’m Eating: Shimmery Cadbury mini eggs because they’re the best thing about Easter, in my opinion.