Early & Alone #34: Hiatus
Friends, I took a hiatus from this newsletter and as most email newsletter hiatuses are, mine was unintentional. I was also taking an intentional hiatus from dating, so perhaps the two were linked. How could I write a dating newsletter when I wasn’t dating? That, of course, was just an excuse not to write. (Believe me, I’ll take any excuse I can get when it comes to writing. I’m a writer!)
Anyway, it’s been an eventful few months for me, despite the lack of dating. This summer, I went to two weddings, traveled to Portland, Maine for a Guster show, and became an aunt to a beautiful baby girl named Isla. In between, I did a lot of working (still part-time and freelancing) and writing, scrambling to finish the first draft of my memoir before leaving for a 2-week residency at The Lemon Tree House in September. (More to come on that!) I also traveled a bit in Portugal and Italy before the residency. It was a truly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, given my work and financial situations, and I’m so grateful that I got to do it.
I did finish that first draft, and now I’m deep in the revision stage, which for me means a lot of thinking and reading and researching. I’ve been told this also counts as “writing,” but it’s been tough to wrap my head around the shift after months of wracking up my word count. Now, instead of producing words, I’m engaged in cutting them, really thinking about what the story is and how to best tell it. It’s interesting but tough work, and it’s daunting to think just how much work is ahead of me in this book-writing process.
And finally, after months of just writing about dating, I’m back on the apps. I reactivated profiles on Hinge and OkCupid a few weeks ago, and since then, have been more discouraged about dating and romance than I was when I was actively not dating. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, but I think it’s an important realization: that to date is to admit, in some way, that you’re looking to fill an empty space in your life. And that admission comes with its own kind of pain. It brings the lack to the forefront of your mind. Instead of going about my day, writing and working and seeing friends, there’s now a voice in my head, nagging me, asking me why I’m not getting responses to my messages, why that guy I went out with last week never messaged me again even though I didn’t really care either way, why the only likes I get are from men who I have nothing in common with at all. And then the voice in my head helpfully supplies answers, mostly boiling down to “It’s because you’re ugly and fat and boring and you suck.” This is not helpful, voice in my head!
Of course, I know, rationally, that the voice in my head is a liar, but it’s still very difficult to turn the volume of the voice down and try to get on with my life, working and writing and seeing friends and exercising and living. I’m trying to see the absence of romance in my life not as a lack but as a spare room, one that I get to fill with the kinds of things I truly want, the things that might make me happy. (I realize I am now comparing men to furniture, but go with it.) Sometimes it’s fun to try different things out and see what works. That’s all I’m doing. Trying things out, giving myself a chance to fill the room rather than just closing the door because it’s empty.
Stay tuned for more updates about my trip, the writing residency, and how dating is going. I hope this hiatus was short-lived, and I hope you will keep reading along with me. I’ve missed you!
What I’m Reading: Along with Jami Attenberg’s new novel, All This Could Be Yours, I’m reading Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, by Emily Nagowski. It’s super interesting!
What I’m Watching: I devoured the first half of the sixth season of BoJack Horseman and now I’m a little at a loss. I think I might try Designing Women next.
What I’m Listening To: Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey, the actresses who played Pam & Angela on The Office, have just launched a podcast called The Office Ladies, where they analyze each episode of the show and give behind-the-scenes gossip. They’re best friends IRL and it’s a real joy to listen to, especially if you love The Office.
What I’m Wearing: I bought Charlotte Tilbury’s lipstick in Bond Girl a couple of months ago, and though at first I was disappointed by how subtle it was, now I find myself wearing it almost every day.
What I’m Eating: Stress eating the 2-for-1 Halloween candy I bought in a moment of weakness...which is not great.