Early & Alone #35: Holidaze
The forecast in Boston today is calling for snow and as soon as you step outside, you can feel it: a kind of static in the air, potential. That’s sort of how this whole time of year feels, this shoulder-season between Thanksgiving and Christmas/Hanukkah/New Years. It’s a waiting game, a time of both celebrations and dread, of togetherness and loneliness, of reminiscing and letting the clock run down.
When I was little, I loved Christmas. My siblings and I would wake up early and shuffle around outside our parents’ bedroom door until they got up, telling us to wait upstairs while they got everything ready. The waiting was agony. I couldn’t understand what on earth they had to do down there...we all knew they’d been up late the night before, wrapping and taping and bowing the pile of presents. What else was left? Years later, I understand my mother had to make her tea, and they both had to take a deep breath and wake up a little before facing the squeals and rapid undoing of all their work from the night before.
But Christmas isn’t the same anymore when you’re older. It’s less about getting presents and more about the stress of buying them, of wrapping them, of getting them to the people you love. It’s about planning and traveling and cooking and work parties and friend parties and family parties. It’s a heady mix of joy and exhaustion.
This time of year has been difficult for me for the last few years, because I can’t help but equate it with when Joe left me. Every year, I get this pit of dread and I think it’s about the impending winter, the stress of the holidays, but then I remember—oh, right, there’s that, too. A kind of lingering, muffled echo of past pain, maybe a little weaker every year, but still there. It makes the holidays a little harder, but the holidays are difficult for many for a whole host of reasons. For a while, I have thought that holidays are mostly hard for single people, but that’s not true: the holidays are hard for everyone. And if they’re not hard for you, that’s fantastic! I applaud you. But I think we both know that’s not the majority of cases.
So while I no longer anticipate the holidays with the same unbridled joy I once did, waiting at the top of the stairs for my pile of presents, I still recognize that this season, despite its difficulties, also still has many joys. If you’re single or lonely or stressed with the demands of work and family and kids, I recommend starting your own holiday tradition, big or small, to give yourself something to look forward to each year, something to anchor this season back in joy territory.
For me, that has come to be the annual holiday book swap I put together for friends. It began as an office tradition after my former company stopped buying us books for the holidays, like it once had. Because morale was low in general, and also because I love books and parties, I decided to take matters into my own hands and organized a Yankee Swap but with books instead. I added a twist and asked everyone to include a note inside the wrapped book, saying why they’d chosen that particular book and what they loved about it. Then, everyone read the note inside the book aloud when they opened the book they chose from the pile. Though I left the company almost three years ago, I’m told they still continue this tradition, and I started doing it at my home instead, with friends instead of colleagues. Just like at the office, the book swap has proven to be a lovely way of sharing favorite books and bonding with friends over snacks.
I’m also very lucky in that my group of friends from high school still gather each Christmas for our own party, complete with a Yankee Swap (definitely with more ridiculous gifts than books), and every year I leave with my face and stomach sore from laughing. This year, I have a brand-new baby niece to buy Christmas presents for, and I also consider myself lucky for having a family to celebrate with.
I have no doubt that these traditions and parties and gatherings will evolve and change as the years go on. New ones will develop and old ones will change or fade away. But right now, I like having my own corner of the holidays staked out. I hope you have yours, too.
What I’m Reading: I finished Rebecca Makkai’s The Great Believers, a novel about the AIDS crisis in Chicago in the 1980s, yesterday and really liked it. It’s fascinating to realize how devastating AIDS was for the generation before mine, and how lucky I am to live in the now, when we have the privilege of considering AIDS a thing of the past.
What I’m Watching: I just have one episode left of the new season of The Crown. Olivia Colman is fantastic as the Queen, and I really love nerding out about history while I watch.
What I’m Listening to: I went through a bit of a Waxahatchee deep dive last week. Check them out if you’re not familiar.
What I’m Wearing: I’m not wearing them YET but I finally treated myself to a pair of cycling shoes after going to spin classes several times a week for the last 18 months. I’m excited to break them in!
What I’m Eating: I made this “sloppy peanut butter pie” for dessert for Thanksgiving and it’s not fancy or pretty, but it IS a sugar bomb of delicious.