Early & Alone #37: Hindsight is 2020
I have a cold and it snowed in Boston this weekend so I haven’t been doing much for the last 3 days beyond sleeping, reading, eating, and watching TV. Honestly, this set of activities doesn’t deviate TOO much from my normal routine, but at least when I’m feeling healthy, I tend to exercise, see friends, go for walks, write, run errands.
2020 has felt like a blur so far, the edges of everything sort of fuzzy and indistinct, like when I first wake up and haven’t put on my glasses yet. Much of that is because I quit my job on January 2. The job was only part-time, but it still felt like a pretty big leap since I didn’t have anything lined up and it was a little bit of a spontaneous decision. I’d been unhappy for a long time, but I did that thing we all do, where we convince ourselves it’s not as bad as we think because in the end, who wants to change? I knew in the scheme of things I had a pretty sweet deal. I was working from home, and I enjoyed the work itself. It was part-time. Compared to many of the jobs I’ve had in the past, it was a cakewalk. But just because something is relatively good doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for you. So when something happened on New Year’s Eve that had me shaking in frustration, I realized I didn’t have to put up with it. So I quit.
It’s an enormous, enormous privilege to be able to walk away from a toxic job. I’m immensely grateful. I have a little bit of a cushion right now and planned on beginning to look for full-time jobs while writing and freelancing in the meantime. But even though I’ve only been working part-time for the last year, the loss of this job still felt like a stab at my identity. A little one—maybe more of a papercut than a stab—but, still.
Our culture is held up on the tentpoles of work. Who am I if I cannot tell people what I do for work? I feel rudderless, spoiled, and lazy. Worse, I’m not quite sure what I even want to do, which is its own kind of paralysis. Am I good enough to try and freelance full-time? Am I quietly going stir crazy spending all of this time in my apartment? Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to contribute to my 401k again, have dental insurance and paid vacation time? Maybe I have a cushion now, but for how long? What will happen when I have to move out of my apartment? Am I just frittering away my time and money, just...existing?
Anyway, this is all to say that 2020 has raised a lot of questions and has been a little short on answers so far. I feel unsettled and on top of that, I feel guilty for not being happier at this freedom. Because it is freedom, a freedom I never thought I’d have, a freedom that most people in my generation won’t get. I’ve already got more part-time work lined up, and am hoping to take on some additional freelance work, but I’m also worried I’m not spending enough time working on my book. That’s what all of this was supposed to be for. But all I have to show for this last year is a very rough first draft and half of a chapter of a second draft. It feels like a giant failure before I’ve even really tried.
All of that said, I recognize that I’m very lucky, in so many ways, and I hope you are all feeling lucky and hopeful for whatever 2020 has in store.
What I’m Reading: I’m devouring Anthony Marra’s A Constellation of Vital Phenomena and really loving it. I’m also learning a lot about Chechnya, which I knew nothing about.
What I’m Watching: I just finished the first season of Please Like Me on Hulu and what a goddamned delight that show is. It’s laugh-out-loud funny and sad and ridiculous and there’s a really cute dog named John. Highly recommend. Also, my book club friends have dragged me back into The Bachelor and I’m hooked. Again. Also also, I have now seen Little Women twice and it was perfect and I love it so much.
What I’m Listening To: Phoebe Waller-Bridge recommended the podcast The Guilty Feminist in an interview and I love it.
What I’m Wearing: Have pretty exclusively been wearing my Madewell Ryder cardigan in and out of the house for the last couple of months. (Damn, that looks sold out, but the Kent looks pretty identical.)
What I’m Eating: I recently discovered (thanks to my roommate) that Asian pears are delicious!