Early & Alone #44: Shame Spiral
Most days I have no idea where the hours go. I make to-do lists only to cross off one, maybe two things before the darkness sets in and all I want to do is lay on the couch with a blanket, Gizmo, a book, and some wine. I got a tarot reading yesterday from my next-door neighbor (over Zoom) and one of the takeaways was that I should be kinder to myself, to find what makes me happy and do that. But I can't just lay on the couch all day, every day, reading. I guess maybe the problem for me is not taking the time to do the things I want, like take naps and read on the couch and eat ice cream at 2 pm, but not hating myself or feeling shame for doing those things. There isn't a tarot card that can tell me how to do that.
Anyway, writing is one of those things that I want to do more of but avoid the most because it causes me the most fear and anxiety. What if no one reads it? What if I never have a good idea again? What if everything has already been said before, and better? I intend to write more of these letters, to start new essays, to maybe even someday return to my book, but those intentions inevitably get pushed down to the bottom of the to-do list, both because it seems more productive to work or do the dishes or work out or read another longform article or scroll through Twitter/Insta/Facebook, and because it's easier to stick with what I know. The ever-present voice in my head tells me no one cares what I have to say anyway, so why bother? It's wasted time. But then, of course, there's also the shame and guilt that comes with not writing. It's a vicious cycle, one I think most writers are familiar with. A routine would help, but every time I try to set one up, I fall back into the same destructive patterns.
In my last letter, I mentioned a challenge I set up for myself for NaNoWriMo in which I would write a different culture essay every day in November. I succeeded in writing 15 of them, which is a success rate of 50%. Not too bad. I think mostly it just feels like arbitrary shouting into the void, so I gave up. But I still have a lot of things I want to write about, so I may keep it up, just to do it...who knows.
Here are the essays I ended up writing, with links, if you're interested in checking them out:
The Haunting of Bly Manor
SNL with John Mulaney and the Strokes
HelloFresh
So Sad Today
Music to Muse By
The Bachelorette
Kamala Harris
Fake Books
What if Friendship Was at the Center of Our Lives Instead of Relationships?
The Queen's Gambit
Marilynne Robinson
Fleetwood Mac's "Dreams"
The Enneagram
Sex Education
Transcendent Kingdom
I also started a new gig writing some posts for the TalkSpace blog. They're mostly generic posts on various issues in mental health, but I did write a semi-reported personal essay on moving forward "in these times."
So, I guess I did kind of write a pretty good amount in November...
Anyway, I'd like to write to you all more regularly and I'd love for you to let me know if there's anything you'd like me to write about.
Stay safe and cozy out there. I'm thinking of you.