Early & Alone #50: Languishing
You’ve probably seen the NYT article that’s been circulating around the internet for the last week. And if you haven’t read the actual article, you may have heard (or seen tweets about) the premise: a mental health term used to describe that overall “meh” feeling most of us have experienced during the pandemic-- “languishing.”
It wasn’t burnout — we still had energy. It wasn’t depression — we didn’t feel hopeless. We just felt somewhat joyless and aimless. It turns out there’s a name for that: languishing.
Languishing is a sense of stagnation and emptiness. It feels as if you’re muddling through your days, looking at your life through a foggy windshield. And it might be the dominant emotion of 2021.
I instantly identified with this idea. The article goes on to describe the idea of languishing as the “neglected middle child of mental health,” in a system where mental health is viewed as a spectrum from thriving to depression. Another idea I can identify with, as an actual neglected middle child.
During the pandemic, I’ve felt lonely and isolated and frustrated and lost and lazy and unmotivated and...blah. I’ve felt both the claustrophobia of the walls closing in and the terror of the vast outside world. I’ve written less, read fewer books, made fewer plans. The future is foggy and uncertain. The things that usually sustain me--like travel and friends and restaurants and art and community--have been severely limited this year.
But here’s the thing...what if I’ve been languishing for far longer than just this last year?
A therapist of mine once told me she thought I’d been “low-grade depressed” my entire life. While I didn’t agree with many of the things this therapist said, this quasi-diagnosis rang a bell deep down. Because even in my childhood, I was morose and lonely and afraid and cynical. Because even in college I was reserved and paranoid and insecure. Because even when I lived in freaking Florence, Italy, I was a complete anxious wreck. Because even when I was married to someone I loved VERY much, I felt undeserving.
The thing about languishing that I’ve been feeling the last few years is more of a hollowness than anxiety. I feel like I’ve fallen behind in so many fundamental ways--no partner, no children, no solid home, no (up until very recently) solid career, no under-girding PURPOSE. Rationally, I know my life is fulfilling in other ways, most of the time. And yet, all of this lack can build up into something surprisingly solid for emptiness.
So yeah, maybe I’ve been languishing for a very long time. But now, of course, I’m not the only one. And everything is harder.
This email got really dark! But that’s the thing, I think, about why this article went viral. So many people are in dark places right now, whether it’s languishing or depression or grief or illness or fear or racism or a whole host of injustices....the world is a lot right now. And maybe there’s a little bit of comfort in that. And I appreciate having a name for what so many of us are feeling, for what probably many of us have been feeling for longer than it’s comfortable to admit.
And now...for some bright spots!
Bright Spots
I’ve been rewatching Freaks & Geeks now that it’s streaming on Hulu and I think I love it a little more every time I watch it. If you’ve never watched it, please do yourself a favor and do it. If you have watched it, I found this oral history of the soundtrack really interesting.
I went to Target a couple of weekends ago and purchased what I can only describe as a sleep romper on a whim. It was soft and that’s all I want these days. I can’t find it online, but if you see a comfy sleep romper and think “that’s kind of weird”--I can tell you, it’s a delight, and pretty much the only thing I want to wear this summer in my apartment.
We’re all kind of burnt out on Zoom happy hours and the like, but last week, I had two different virtual watch parties with friends and you know what, I will take it! One was an old favorite, Best in Show (HILARIOUS) and the other was for a new movie I had very low expectations for but was pleasantly surprised--Thunder Forceon Netflix.
I’ve long been a fan of real happy hours, and since I haven’t worked in an office in several years, have been deeply missing them. I took the opportunity of a beautiful Friday a couple of weeks ago to meet up on the patio of a nearby bar with my sister and two friends and it was the best.
I hope you have lots of bright spots in the weeks ahead.