Early & Alone #61: Burnout
Has anyone checked on the "This is fine" dog?
Yesterday, in (Zoom) therapy, I said it feels like I’m a computer and there are too many programs running in the background, sucking down my energy though I’m not even actively using any of them. The rest of the day, I felt angry and irritated at everything. Angry that it’s still winter. Angry at the snow on the ground. Angry at the construction happening in the house where I live. Angry at every inconvenience and feeling I had.
Burnout. But how can I feel burnout when I don’t have kids, or health issues, or grief, or debt (a lot of it, anyway), or a host of other issues people everywhere are dealing with?
I’m in the middle of Susan Orlean’s The Library Book, which chronicles the fire that decimated the Los Angeles Central Library in 1986 but also talks about libraries in general. It’s fascinating and I love it, obviously. But the fire. The fire destroyed thousands and thousands of books, as well as other priceless objects. What didn’t burn was damaged by water or smoke. The building itself survived, but it was gutted, a smoldering husk of what it had been. No one died, but the staff was traumatized, haunted by the loss, the emptiness the fire left behind.
It occurred to me that even though I’m not burning myself, I’ve been watching everything around me burn for a long time—all of that causes damage, even if it’s only a psychic burden rather than a physical one. Also, fuck this feeling of needing to justify our emotions. Things are hard for everyone right now. Life is not a suffering competition. (With the caveat that we should all strive to maintain cognizance of our privilege relative to others in regards to race, class, health, etc.)
It’s okay to feel sad, wrung out, helpless, frustrated, and angry. It’s also okay to feel happy and hopeful and lucky and relaxed! Probably you don’t need me to tell you that, but I’m saying it anyway. I have been grappling with this interesting tension, of feeling both happy and helpless, optimistic and jaded, for a few months now, feeling guilty for when I’m happy and guilty when I’m sad and tired of feeling guilty no matter what.
I don’t know, I think most of us feel like we are either “happy” or “sad” and that’s it, when you can be both happy and sad at the exact same time about different things or the same thing! For example, I am flooded with love when I’m playing with Gizmo but also feel sadness because I know he is not going to live forever. Those two feelings are the same feeling, braided together with insoluble thread you just can’t untangle. I imagine this feeling is magnified to the nth degree for parents, which I don’t know because I’m not a parent, which is its own kind of complicated, many-layered feeling!
It’s been extremely difficult for me to sit down and write recently, which you may have ascertained from the lack of emails. Frankly, I’ve been having a hard time even responding to texts lately! But something clicked this morning and I grabbed my computer and started typing. So if you’re still reading, thanks for bearing with me. I can’t seem to figure out if committing to write this newsletter helps me or just stresses me out, but knowing I have it is a good thing, I think, as is knowing that someone is out there, reading it. Spring is coming and there are better things ahead. I can feel it.
Bright Spots
I was completely enthralled and delighted with this episode of the Decoder Ring podcast about Chuck E. Cheese.
I wish I cried more, and this essay by Wesley Morris reminds me of why.
Valentine’s Day is a dumb holiday but I got cards, a big box of baked goods from a friend, and a chocolate heart filled with more chocolate (and a beautiful necklace) from my boyfriend (?!), so I’m calling a truce this year.
Wordle. Y’all, I don’t care if it’s annoying, I LOVE this game and I love that nearly everyone is playing and yet no one is posting spoilers on social media and even though the NYT bought it, it still feels somewhat pure and nerdy and I will protect it at all costs.
Prozac: Gizmo is on his second month of Prozac and I am in love. It has helped him chill out at night so we are BOTH sleeping and it’s been life changing.