Early & Alone #62: This Is 40

Photo by Valeria Bold on Unsplash

So far, 40 is French toast and bacon with my parents at the brunch spot around the corner from my apartment that is usually so crowded that I haven’t visited since moving back to Providence nearly two years ago. It’s taking Gizmo for a walk around the block but turning around halfway through because he’s spooked by a dog barking at him. It’s sitting down intending to write this newsletter and instead scrolling through TikTok and Instagram and whatever else dumb distracting stuff I can find on my phone.

It’s getting notice of an increase in my rent as I wrote the above sentences and getting sucked into a discouraged spiral of thoughts about inflation and housing insecurity and feeling trapped. It’s dealing with bad wiring and a load of damp laundry sitting in the broken dryer all day. It’s feeling guilty for being so upset about problems that are far less critical than most in the world.

It’s renting clothes because I no longer understand the contours of my body and it’s too difficult to shop and commit to the ever-increasing numbers, the ever-decreasing number of options I have for in-person shopping. It’s avoiding mirrors and cameras but still trying to divorce the idea of my self-worth from the size of my body.

It’s trying to seize on the small moments of motivation and ambition before they dissolve into aimless scrolling and TV watching, get lost in the scramble of my unfocused and anxious thoughts.

It’s being in love for the first time in nearly a decade. It’s looking forward to a week on a lake with friends. It’s cuddling my dog on my lap in my apartment, this imperfect little corner of the world I’ve built for myself.

It’s not the things the movie This Is 40 or any other stereotypical representation of turning 40 is. It’s not a boring marriage. It’s not kids running around. It’s not moving to suburbia. It’s feeling a little bit sad and a little behind for not having any of those things. It’s trying to feel less that way. It’s celebrating friends’ book deals and babies and weddings and houses and pushing aside the tiny twinges of envy. It’s believing my life can still change. It’s trying to focus on the things I have done rather than focusing on the fact that I have the same job title as I did 10 years ago and am making far less money than I was 5 years ago while juggling the same, if not more, expenses. It’s feeling isolated but also sometimes anxious to leave my house.

It’s feeling complete confusion in realizing the 90s are considered retro. It’s feeling genuine horror and fear about the state of this country. It’s attempting to write this newsletter and pushing aside drafts because it all feels too whiny and most of the time I wonder if there’s even any point to the writing, if it’s all just an exercise in self-flagellation.

40 is just another number in the scheme of things. 40 is my present and will soon be my past. It was once my future. It too shall pass. There will be different worries and sorrows and joys. That is, if I’m lucky. And I do consider myself lucky, when I’m not being a cranky brat. And I’m lucky that you’re reading this. Thank you for being here.

Bright Spots

• Severance —Jeff and I binged the whole series (9 episodes) in 48 hours. It’s that good.

• Leave the World Behind by Rumaan Alam—I picked up this book at the airport bookstore in Baltimore after getting stranded overnight on my flight back from Puerto Rico. I read most of it on the plane and loved it—very suspenseful and Alam’s details are so well rendered.

• Nuuly is like Rent the Runway but instead of one fancy dress for a special occasion, you can pick out six items to wear as many times as you want for one month. The clothes come from a variety of brands like Anthropologie, Urban Outfitters, Universal Standard, and Free People and you can buy the items you like at a steep discount. There’s no monthly obligation, so you can get one for vacations or any time you want a little wardrobe boost. I’m having fun with it so far! If you use this link you can get $20 off your first box.

• I finally watched Normal People. It made me appreciate the book much more. Very sexy and broody and pretty to watch.

• This fun site tells the time using various literary references.