Early & Alone #89: Turn and Face the Strange

On changes

Photo by Mark Tegethoff on Unsplash

Today is my last day doing a job I’ve been doing for a little over 3 years. I start a new job Monday, which is both exciting and scary, as most changes are. Exciting because change is good—sometimes we need to move on from the familiar to grow. But scary because the uncertain can be overwhelming. As a kid, it never occurred to me that the dark is scary because it’s uncertain—you can’t see, you can’t find your way, there may be things hiding. But of course that’s why the dark is scary! Few of us embrace the unknown with open arms and zero trepidations.

Last weekend, I reserved a tiny karaoke room for my birthday party. Friends squeezed into the red-lit space and we sang together for two hours, everything from the Spice Girls to “Milkshake” to “You Get What You Give.” And yes, we also did David Bowie’s “Changes.” It didn’t matter who’d put the song into the system or who held the microphone—we mostly just sang together, letting our voices crash into each other like roller derby girls. It was joyful and silly.

When I lived in New York, it was a regular occurrence to meet up on a weekend night in Koreatown, buy a case of cheap beer at Duane Read, and head up the janky elevator to Gagopa, where we’d spend hours. It was joyful, but a little different. I was friends with a lot of theater people, performers, so there were more solos, more planned duets. There was a little bit of pressure to pick the right song, to perform it well, to know all the words. It was all a little bit like living in New York.

I remember the first time I encountered karaoke, at a bowling alley in Rhode Island shortly after I’d graduated college. I was very casually sort of dating someone, and went with him and his friends to this karaoke night. He asked me what song I was going to sing and I was completely mortified at the very idea. I insisted I would never do karaoke and that it was stupid. He shrugged, then got up on stage and did New Order’s “Bizarre Love Triangle,” even falling to his knees at one point during his performance while I laughed and cringed in the audience. I’d never done karaoke before but something in my sheltered, anxious, still-developing brain screamed that it wasn’t cool, and more importantly, I would embarrass myself by doing it. That story makes me sad to remember because I wish I had gotten up there, or at least did a duet with the guy I was there with. There were so many things I didn’t do, growing up, because I worried what other people would think. I mean, it’s still an issue, honestly, but not nearly as much as it was. It’s kind of true what they say, that your capacity for fucks given really diminishes as you get older.

What does karaoke have to do with new jobs? I’m not taking on a new career running a karaoke bar, sadly. I just think it’s sort of interesting, the way my attitude about karaoke has shifted in the last 20 years, how it went from something I swore I would never do, to something I enjoyed but performed, to something that is purely a fun no-ego activity with people I love.

OK, so maybe there isn’t really a direct correlation. But my life—it’s changing. In a few months, I’m moving in with Jeff. This is an even bigger change than my job change. It is also both exciting and scary. But I’m ready, and I’m ready to see how my attitudes change, how my perspective shifts.

And speaking of changes—I’m thinking about taking a break from Substack for a little while. Especially as I adjust to the new job and pack up my apartment. Moving to a weekly schedule has proven to be overwhelming and I think I’m just putting undue pressure on myself to meet my own lofty expectations. I may write more sporadically or take the whole summer off—I’m not sure yet. But that’s okay—the only person holding me to this hypothetical weekly deadline is me. So stay tuned. And thank you as always for reading.

Bright Spots

🥗 I made these Greek Tofu Bowls for dinner earlier this week and they were really good! Hits that sweet spot of healthy but also a little decadent.

💍 On this season of Ted Lasso, I kept getting distracted by one of Rebecca’s rings. So Jeff did some research and bought me one of the same rings for my birthday! (He’s a good one, friends.) It turns out it’s a YSL Arty Ring, which had their heyday in 2012 (Beyonce wore one!) before being discontinued in 2013. But they’re still kicking around online on secondhand shopping sites, lucky for me. (Mine is turquoise.)

^{🤰 I loved Haley Nahman’s honest look at grappling with her desire to have a baby and how vulnerable it can be to admit to the world, and yourself, that you desperately want something.}

#147: Who’s allowed to want kids?

👗 I’m obsessed with this TikToker’s style and want to steal everything about it.

Until next time, be well.

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