Early & Alone #70: Very Cavalier Millennials

The "Confusion & Sadness" of Being 40 and Child-Free

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

A little over a month ago, there was a general outcry over a tweet by some dude I’d never heard of.

Shane Morris @GShaneMorris

Millennials who are very cavalier about not having children are in for a shock when they enter their 40s & realize life is only half over. What do you do at that point? Keep trying to be sexy & have fun? I expect to see a lot of sadness & confusion about what to do at that point.

There is so, so much to unpack here. Apparently, this white man with a terrible mustache is an extremely Christian commentator and writer who lives in Florida. He has less than 4,000 Twitter followers. So why did people care so much?

I’m honestly not sure other than the phrasing is just…hilarious? I mean, I know me and my fellow “cavalier millennials” have all been out here, just trying to be sexy and have fun, until 40 hit and WHAM! That painful realization that all this fun, sexy time has led us to a downhill plunge into sadness and confusion, in the cold, silent darkness of the hermit caves we will be banished to unless we find some children to give our hollow lives meaning.

You may think this tweet was just a flash in the pant, but don’t worry, there are plenty more hot takes where that one came from. Like this one!

Shane Morris @GShaneMorris

What we lose as families get smaller and smaller, or stop existing altogether. Each of these represents potential love, assistance, fellowship, social, professional, and religious contacts, financial & emotional aid, help with kids, help with the elderly, brothers, sisters...1/2

Does anyone else have a guess where one can find potential love, assistance, fellowship, social, professional & emotional aid, help with kids, help with the elderly, etc.? Could it be one’s larger community? In fact, there are some radical thinkers who are calling for the abolition of traditional family structures in favor of building a stronger social safety net with care and resources for all, not just those with the benefit of a strong nuclear family of origin unit.

My fav, Anne Helen Petersen, has done some work in advocating for building community to supplement our existing family structures and I have really enjoyed peoples’ ideas and stories of how they build relationships with friends’ children, niblings, neighbors, friends, and others in the wider community.

How to Show Up For Your Friends Without Kids — and How to Show Up For Kids and Their Parents

Listen, I am absolutely not advocating for abolishing the family. I’m just saying it’s incredibly short-sighted to say the solution for our social ills is “have more babies.” ESPECIALLY given the unique horrors of parenting in a pandemic world. Not to mention the loss of bodily autonomy for people with uteruses in these here United States!

But I digress. I came here to dunk on this Shane Morris guy and his original terrible tweet. First of all, when have you ever met a “cavalier” millennial? In this economy? Please. A quick search yields the following headlines, “Millennials are the unluckiest generation in U.S. history,” “Millennials Are the New Lost Generation,” and perhaps my personal favorite, “Millennials Are Screwed.” We can’t AFFORD to be cavalier and we certainly can’t afford to be pumping out babies at the rate this guy seems to expect!

Also, I have never met a person in their 40s who turned around and was surprised to realize their child-bearing years were nearing an end. As a woman, it’s been DRILLED into me practically since birth that I have a biological clock, it’s ticking, etc. etc. etc.

Don’t tell me the gif is dead.

Finally, I reject the notion that child-free people have nothing to do and will wander the valley of shadows alone until their lonely deaths.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of things child-free people can do:

1. Go on a trip

2. Enjoy some cake

3. Have a dance party

4. Watch some prestige television

5. Read some books

6. Build a playhouse for their friends’ kid

7. Volunteer at an animal shelter

8. Smash the patriarchy

9. Start a business

10. FaceTime with friends

11. Pet some puppies and kitties

12. Rake some leaves

13. Go on a hike

14. Watch a sports game

15. Vote

16. Make a lasagna and invite people over to eat it

17. Run around and play with neighborhood kids

18. Take some photos

19. Budget

20. Take an art class

21. Journal

22. Do karaoke

23. Go thrift shopping

24. Stare into space

I’m just saying, life is a rich tapestry, we have options. Not having children does not condemn us to a lonely life devoid of joy. If we’ve done a good job of building our communities, we have a chosen family, we have our people. We can help take care of the kids in our lives and they (and their parents) will help us if we need it. I would love to see this old, dangerous rhetoric of the withering child-free crone die. There are many, many reasons to have children and also to not have children. It SHOULD be a personal choice. I hope we can continue to work toward a society that is respectful of all choices and all people.

What are your ideas for us sad post-40 child-free folks?

Bright Spots

• It’s been kind of a rough week so this lovely and sad cover of Radiohead’s “Fake Plastic Trees” really hit me (thanks for sharing, Karen!)

• The best kind of Autumn content:

Oregoth Boo @OregonZoo

Let the gourd times roll

• I shouldn’t have giggled at this silly TikTok as much as I did, but I did, and then I watched it about 5 more times. And then I made some chicken tendies.

• Last weekend my book club got together and we dressed in 90s outfits and brought 90s snacks and listened to 90s music while discussing our book for the month, Chuck Klosterman’s latest essay collection, The Nineties. The book was just meh, but the book club event was epic. I brought boxes of Little Debbie snacks because that’s pretty much 75 % of what I ate in the 90s and I had a bunch leftover, and I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t hate it.