Early & Alone #86: Like a Mother
What makes a person seem like they would be a "good mother"?
You may have seen the backlash about the shitshow that was the “live” Love is Blind Season 4 Reunion special on Netflix. Many people were irate about the hour-long delay and technical issues that prevented most fans from watching the show until nearly a day after it was supposed to air.
But that’s not all. The reunion itself was awkward and messy—but not in a good way. And most of that is not because of the contestants. Nope, it was Vanessa Lachey, “host” of the series (along with her husband, “obviously Nick Lachey”). Not only did she interrupt cast members, stir up drama, and blast her own biases and opinions, she went heavy on the baby pressure. So much so that Jeff joked she’s looking for the blood of LIB babies for some kind of weird ritual.
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This is obviously gross and retrograde for many reasons. The cast members were all gracious enough and put smiles on, but you can tell that they are all uncomfortable with that particular invasive line of questioning.
Apparently Vanessa hasn’t been clued in that it’s completely inappropriate to ask people when or whether they’re going to have babies. There are countless reasons why but first and foremost is that it remains everyone’s personal business why or why not they have chosen to have children. Period. Beyond that right to privacy, there is the painful truth that for many people, having children is biologically difficult or impossible, and the constant questioning is like rubbing bleach into an already raw wound. Perhaps there are other factors at play—trauma, financial issues, lack of a community support system, on and on and on.
But I also want to make the case for people choosing not to have children because they just…don’t want to. THAT IS ALSO A VALID CHOICE. I’m so tired of the narrative that having children is a biological imperative, a woman’s sole purpose, the only kind of love that gives life meaning, that the traditional nuclear family unit is the only one that matters. There are so many different kinds of love, of care giving, of families outside of the traditional model. I wish that society at large would recognize that, and recognize that child-free people are not inherently selfish or immature or incapable of love.
And on that note…there was another part of the reunion where parenting came up. (SPOILERS AHEAD if you haven’t watched the season yet!)
Of the four couples who made it to the altar on the show, there was only one who didn’t go through with it: Paul and Micah. Honestly, this was a relief to most people with working brains who had seen the two interact throughout the season. But what a lot of people, and most notably, Vanessa, zeroed in on was something Paul said following his decision to say “I don’t.” During a one-on-one interview, Paul confessed that he didn’t see Micah as a mother and that she lacked a kind of “nurturing” aspect to her personality.
I mean, yes, duh. If you watched the show, you’d be forgiven for thinking Micah is a shallow, immature, manipulative mean girl with truly terrible friends. So I can understand where Paul was coming from. At the same time, there was plenty about the couple that didn’t work without dragging a woman’s hypothetical ability to mother into the situation.
During the reunion, Vanessa railed at Paul, forcing him to dissect his comment, which you can see a little bit of in the clip below.
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While it makes sense to me that Paul didn’t see Micah as a mother, I also acknowledge that it was an unfair comment to make. Micah is about 26. Hopefully she’s still growing as a person. So who are we to say she won’t make a good mother someday? AND ALSO…maybe she wouldn’t be a good mother. That doesn’t invalidate her womanhood or worthiness of love from a romantic partner!
As a viewer, it was easy for me to agree with Paul initially. But after thinking about it for a few days, I find myself wondering…what DOES make someone seem like a “good mother”? I think it’s fair to say that there’s nurturing involved, a kind of “maternal instinct,” which boils down to caregiving, I guess. Is it selflessness? Willingness to make sacrifices? Someone who loves cooking and cleaning and cuddling? That’s what I think we’ve been conditioned to think of when we think of “good mothers” in the abstract. But what about people who are determined and funny and opinionated and have bad tempers and have never been able to cook anything more complicated than pasta? People who like to stay up late and only dust when people are coming over. People who can’t properly wrap a gift to save their lives. People who are awkward in social situations and sometimes tell white lies and have unfortunate tattoos. People who are flawed. Those people can be good mothers, too.
I’ve always been ambivalent about motherhood for my own complicated and private reasons. It’s nearly 100 percent certain that I will never give birth to children of my own. At times, I’ve found myself wondering whether I would have been a good mother or not. I don’t fit the mold of what a good mother looks like on paper in some ways, so I’ve long believed that voice in my head that tells me I wouldn’t have been good at it. But then I remember all the ways I care for the people in my life and I know I would have been good at it. I’m already good at it.
Bright Spots
I finished Fleishman Is In Trouble last week and I have to say, I vastly preferred the TV show to the book. There was something about the book that just wasn’t working for me. I didn’t like Toby at all in the book. In the show, he’s annoying but overall, you do end up feeling for him and rooting for him. Did anyone else feel this way?
I thought this episode of the Articles of Interest podcast about the Clueless closet was highly entertaining.
As usual, Culture Study killed it with this issue about the ambition (or lack thereof) of white men. Lots of really interesting questions here.
The weather! Spring has arrived in Rhode Island and I couldn’t be happier. It’s really unbelievable how much my mood improves when the sun is out and I can go outside without a coat.
“But what about people who are determined and funny and opinionated and have bad tempers and have never been able to cook anything more complicated than pasta?” This is quite literally me. I am an angry mother who can’t cook. But I like to believe I’m a very good mother. On most days, at least. It is such a complicated role and goes so far beyond the textbook descriptions. I appreciate this conversation and love the analysis of the LIB reunion. Such a bizarre train wreck. I truly hope the Lacheys are canned because I don’t know if I can tolerate another season of Vanessa thinking she’s funny and provocative and wise.
I think it would be interesting to ask people if they think they had a good mother, and if so, what it was about her that made her one. Same for if they had a mother who was...less-than-ideal (I think a lot of people would be hesitant to come right out and say their mother was a bad mom unless her behavior was really extreme). What I suspect is that people who felt loved unconditionally and that they had a secure environment where they could talk to their mom and be themselves are the ones who'd say they had a "good mother." No one says that they had a good mother because the house was always clean.